Spring Training in Full Swing

SAN FRANCISCO -- Only one week remains until the 1993 campaign begins, and the San Francisco Giants are hopeful their new free agent outfielder can help change their recent fortunes.

Veteran slugger Barry Bonds signed a massive $44 million contract in the off-season, making him the highest paid asshole this side of Wall Street.

"This team needs an injection of raw power," Bonds said, strangely winking to reporters.  "And I'm just the hypodermic needle that can do it."

The Giants will have more than a challenge, though, as the Atlanta Braves (who are seeded in the NL West despite playing five miles from the Atlantic Ocean) have a bevy of fine young pitchers ready to win. 

"I've never been a big fan of Atlanta," newly minted Manager Mat McNeil said.  "They're a bunch of racist assholes, honestly, and we have the biggest, blackest, generally shittiest person to deal with.  It'll be fun to go into Atlanta and smear their face in raw black power."